I see you are still ignoring me at church today despite the fact that we only are one seat apart. It is okay. I am okay.
Uhmm, yes, I may be bothered a little. And I am starting to feel curious about what exactly it is that I did that made you act that way.
Can I contain my curiosity? Most probably yes. Although I admit it just feels sad lately. The streets seem emptier without you to tread them on with. But it is okay. I am okay. I am used to lonely. Heck, I was born for this. Lol.
And well, I just turned 30. It means I am almost halfway through to the average male life expectancy. Although that might not be that relevant for me. You see, the main reason why I am like this (in case you are/were wondering) is that I am basically a walking dead body. Sometimes I imagine myself inhaling the wrong air and next thing I know I will be pushing daisies. So I try to avoid making real intimacy with people. (I wonder, how many times for the rest of my life will I have to experience again love-at-first-sight… hrmmm curious). But yeah, the point is, I am 30 now and I feel old. I feel like I have already lived off my life. What with all the partying I had, all the places I visited and people I have met, all the dancing and performing, having fun with friends, reading good books, spending lots of quality time with my loved ones, and well, being proud of myself a few times. If I am going to be lonely until I die it is okay. I will be okay.
However, I have to say this. I was kind of glad that today, I have experienced shaking hands with your father. I suddenly wonder how he is as an in-law. Yeah, I am creepy like that. Normally, when I am in love with a girl, I imagine myself being married to her (what’s the point of dating someone, right, if you have no intensions of spending forever with her). I imagine what would it be like to be with you until I die? What would it be like if we have big fights? What would our wedding be like? I imagine you would be the most beautiful girl on that day. How many kids would we have? What kind of parents will we be? How will it be to celebrate Christmases, or birthdays, with your mom and dad?
Well, I guess I would never know. But what I know is, for a brief moment, I was shaking hands with my (imagined) father-in-law, and I was happy. There is so much kindness in his eyes. There is something warm about your parents’ demeanors. Tells a lot about the kind of people that would raise an exceptional person like you.
By the way, I congratulate you for successfully ignoring me. It is very awkward, but, you are a strong person. We both are strong persons. And we can deal with awkward. Who knows, someday we will be ‘real’ strangers to each other again. By that time, I will perhaps stop worrying how my presence can cause so much awkwardness in the atmosphere.
Anyway, I guess this is it for now. I have been itching to write you a letter today and secretly slip it in your pocket. But I don’t know what for. I can’t think of a strong enough excuse that would justify forcing myself to you. So yeah, I will be using my blog for now. I may appear stone cold, but I feel things you know. I feel so much. So, I need to write it off.
Cherry blossoms is around the corner. I guess I will be writing more often in the coming days.