PUSHING DAISIES

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Dear Ga,

How are you doing out there?

I just had my final batch of big exams yesterday. I did not really get to study well so I would not be surprised if I would need to re-take for a subject or two. I know you would not like that. I am sorry. It is just that, since you’ve been gone it was so hard for me to focus on my studies. In fact, since that day you left 22 days ago, I do not remember much from my days except going to work, drinking, talking to your pictures, and crying. Yes, I know you would not want me to cry but sometimes it is just really hard to contain it. I cry in bed, I cry when I take a bath, I cry in the office toilet, in the mall, in the park, in the bus. I cry anywhere I would feel that I miss you.

I always wear the rosary that you gave me two years ago when I went away for Korea, and whenever I miss you I stroke it hoping I would feel your presence. And when I’m home I always hug Teddy, and sometimes I imagine it was you I am hugging. How ironic, the bear that I bought you to remind you of me when I’m gone became my very own reminder of you now that you are gone.

I still can’t believe you have already left. We have not even realized half of our dreams yet. Why did you let go? 😦

I was not yet done with us. 😦

Ga, I know you are still there. That pot of tulips I bought you for Valentine’s Day, it was two flowers and one bud when I left it in the house in the morning of the 14th. But when I came back home in the evening there were already three flowers! I know it was you. You have worked for a while in a flower shop and you know how to take care of flowers.

And the night before my exams, I whispered to you to wake me up at 3:00AM so that I will have enough time to cram formulas into my brain right before the exam. And guess what, you did wake me up. I woke up a few seconds before my 3AM alarm went off. And we both know that I have never beaten my alarm. Heck, I only get up after the umpteenth snooze. So yeah, I know it was you who woke me up yesterday, as you would always do whenever I needed to wake up early. Moreover, when I awoke at 3AM, I studied a bit but I fell asleep again. Deeply. And just before I would not have enough time to make it to my exams, my big left calf muscle twitched into a very painful cramp, waking me up in an instant. I screamed in the sudden pain. And when I came to my senses, I realized, it was you again. πŸ™‚ You woke me up. I know you would not want me to be late for my exams. πŸ™‚

Ga, thank you so much.

I know you have always loved me, and I know that you know how much I love you as well. We may not have much but we were very happy. But I know that we could have so much more. That was why I enrolled in a Master’s program, that was why I always aimed to make it big, because I wanted to succeed. I wanted to give you a better life. I wanted you to have a more comfortable mode of living. I wanted to give you the world. And maybe that is the reason why I am hurting so much now. Because now that you’re pushing daisies, I would not be able to fulfill any of those dreams. 😦

Perhaps, it was also the reason why I am finding it so hard to study now. Because I know that you are already gone. What am I striving all these hardships for? So I’ll finish my Masters. I will succeed someday. I will become rich. And then what? What meaning would all those achievements bring if I know for a fact that you are not here to share those with me.

When I told that to someone, she told me that I should achieve all those things not only for you. But more especially for myself.

I guess she was right. But right now, it is really really painful, Ga. The stage of grieving is just so hard. 😦

But yeah, I’ll try to move on. I’ll keep on walking. Just promise me, promise you’ll always watch over me. And also, promise me Β that when it is my time to go, you’ll be the one to greet me first in the gates of heaven.

I will look forward to that day.

But until then, I will live trying to keep my promise to you… that someday I will be awesome!

And you will be proud of me.

I love you, Ga.

Only yours,

Lonewulf

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We all miss you.

We all miss you.

My all-white salute to you

My all-white salute to you

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About lonewulf

I am a self-confessed 'jologs', a country boy who now works in the big city. I studied Applied Math, and am now completing Finance while working as a risk analyst. I feel extremely happy whenever I dance, draw/sketch, and write. I also like to read books, eat (not fruits, or vegetables), sleep, and travel.

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