How are you doing out there?
I just had my final batch of big exams yesterday. I did not really get to study well so I would not be surprised if I would need to re-take for a subject or two. I know you would not like that. I am sorry. It is just that, since you’ve been gone it was so hard for me to focus on my studies. In fact, since that day you left 22 days ago, I do not remember much from my days except going to work, drinking, talking to your pictures, and crying. Yes, I know you would not want me to cry but sometimes it is just really hard to contain it. I cry in bed, I cry when I take a bath, I cry in the office toilet, in the mall, in the park, in the bus. I cry anywhere I would feel that I miss you.
I always wear the rosary that you gave me two years ago when I went away for Korea, and whenever I miss you I stroke it hoping I would feel your presence. And when I’m home I always hug Teddy, and sometimes I imagine it was you I am hugging. How ironic, the bear that I bought you to remind you of me when I’m gone became my very own reminder of you now that you are gone.
I still can’t believe you have already left. We have not even realized half of our dreams yet. Why did you let go? 😦
I was not yet done with us. 😦
Ga, I know you are still there. That pot of tulips I bought you for Valentine’s Day, it was two flowers and one bud when I left it in the house in the morning of the 14th. But when I came back home in the evening there were already three flowers! I know it was you. You have worked for a while in a flower shop and you know how to take care of flowers.
And the night before my exams, I whispered to you to wake me up at 3:00AM so that I will have enough time to cram formulas into my brain right before the exam. And guess what, you did wake me up. I woke up a few seconds before my 3AM alarm went off. And we both know that I have never beaten my alarm. Heck, I only get up after the umpteenth snooze. So yeah, I know it was you who woke me up yesterday, as you would always do whenever I needed to wake up early. Moreover, when I awoke at 3AM, I studied a bit but I fell asleep again. Deeply. And just before I would not have enough time to make it to my exams, my big left calf muscle twitched into a very painful cramp, waking me up in an instant. I screamed in the sudden pain. And when I came to my senses, I realized, it was you again. 🙂 You woke me up. I know you would not want me to be late for my exams. 🙂
Ga, thank you so much.
I know you have always loved me, and I know that you know how much I love you as well. We may not have much but we were very happy. But I know that we could have so much more. That was why I enrolled in a Master’s program, that was why I always aimed to make it big, because I wanted to succeed. I wanted to give you a better life. I wanted you to have a more comfortable mode of living. I wanted to give you the world. And maybe that is the reason why I am hurting so much now. Because now that you’re pushing daisies, I would not be able to fulfill any of those dreams. 😦
Perhaps, it was also the reason why I am finding it so hard to study now. Because I know that you are already gone. What am I striving all these hardships for? So I’ll finish my Masters. I will succeed someday. I will become rich. And then what? What meaning would all those achievements bring if I know for a fact that you are not here to share those with me.
When I told that to someone, she told me that I should achieve all those things not only for you. But more especially for myself.
I guess she was right. But right now, it is really really painful, Ga. The stage of grieving is just so hard. 😦
But yeah, I’ll try to move on. I’ll keep on walking. Just promise me, promise you’ll always watch over me. And also, promise me that when it is my time to go, you’ll be the one to greet me first in the gates of heaven.
I will look forward to that day.
But until then, I will live trying to keep my promise to you… that someday I will be awesome!
And you will be proud of me.
I love you, Ga.