MY VERSION OF THE DARK AGES

Following a melancholic post, and since I am in a generally depressing situation at the moment, I would like to talk about a time in the past when I was feeling this low. Why talk about something negative? Well, I noticed that for a while I have been writing about good and happy experiences – travel, food, family time, friends, et cetera. However, my life is not all about that. Of course I also have my entries here about my heartaches. But there was this one major experience in my life that I consider the lowest of lows (until now perhaps). And I’m honestly quite surprised that through these years I have not talked about it in this blog.

It was a couple of months ago when I realized this. That was when I encountered this entry from a blogger I am following. The entry was about depression and although it was quite implicit, I sense what he really is going through. It was all too familiar to me.

Yes folks, I admit with no ounce of shame, that I was diagnosed with clinical depression about four years ago. It is a bit difficult to explain the experience and I can’t even start to describe the plethora of emotions I had back then, but I hope that I can give you a glimpse of it through my comment to this blogger’s depression entry.

Here it is…

circa 4 years ago

circa 4 years ago

——–

I like the poignancy of this post. 🙂 But I disagree with your last statement. Btw, is this entry real? I’ll assume it’s real anyway. I want to give you crappy words of encouragement like “Look at the positive side of being down, it means you can always go up!” and “It’s alright to be down. Fine, it sucks. But so be it. Once you hit rock bottom that’s the best opportunity to kick back and propel yourself up.” But that would just make me one of the perky people.

We’ll technically I am because I’m in a much sunnier disposition now. But let me just share to you something personal. A few years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was a walking vessel of angry and sad emotions. Almost everyday at work I get this overwhelming plethora of emotions that it became normal for me to suddenly run to the toilet or the fire exit and cry – even when there was nothing to cry about.  Some days I eat a lot, then I go for couple of days without food. Same with sleep. On top of that, nothing was making me happy. As in wala. Kahit favorite hobbies, favorite people, favorite food/places/etc. I lost my sense of purpose. Everyday I do things asking one question: “What for?”

I was a fresh grad so my salary wasn’t enough to maintain the anti-depressants and the psychotherapy sessions. And besides I hated its side effects: you become a walking robot, devoid of any form of emotions. Yes, my eating and sleeping patterns went back to normal, and the outbursts went away, but so did my sense of being a person. I felt like my soul was slowly slipping into oblivion.

So anyway, I fought back. I was thankful that I’m the non-suicidal type. I just kept on living despite the daily angst. I did a lot of research about my predicament and tried different solutions. Until one day, snap! I flipped back to non-depression. Just like that.

It wasn’t an easy challenge. And by far, it was the most difficult one I had in my life. But I’m glad that I did not yield. I’m glad that I fought back and conquered it. I wish you would fight back. You’re not a stupid person (based on how I see you through this blog), and you are the one who knows yourself best. Fight, Jan!

P.S. Go to the gym. I signed up back then despite my skepticism. I just did it – jogged, lifted weights, pushed, pulled, whatever – not believing it would help. But it did! It was a slow process but eventually I started to feel like I wasn’t numb. And everything went uphill afterwards. I could go on and on about this story but this is just the comments section. And besides, there’s a possibility that this entry is entirely fictional. Anyways, thank you for the good read. 🙂

——–

That was it. I am not sure as well if this entry will have any purpose. However, since I am now undergoing a situation that was pretty similar to my personal dark ages in 2009, then maybe I am writing this mostly to remind myself that if I just fight back hard enough then I will conquer this circumstance.

Pray for me, you guys. I sincerely hope to see my renaissance days soon.

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About lonewulf

I am a self-confessed 'jologs', a country boy who now works in the big city. I studied Applied Math, and am now completing Finance while working as a risk analyst. I feel extremely happy whenever I dance, draw/sketch, and write. I also like to read books, eat (not fruits, or vegetables), sleep, and travel.

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