Today marks the day of our break-up. Can’t believe it has been a year. Maybe because in the first few months into it I was too proud to admit to myself that I was hurting, so I didn’t cry. I didn’t cry even on that night we broke up. I didn’t cry even when I got home after that. Nor when I was dealing with Christmas. You see, it irritated me to no end when I was carrying that heavy heart the whole Christmas season. And what hurts more is that I can see my family worrying about me as I kept on refusing to leave my room even when my relatives and friends were waiting outside, so excited to see me. That Christmas eve, I drank a few bottles of vodka and rhum my mom bought me, while hitting the karaoke machine we have at home, hoping that alcohol will somehow drown that heavy feeling even for just a moment – It didn’t. At past midnight, all the other persons in the house including my cousins and visitors were already asleep, but I kept on singing and drinking and dealing with the pain. I finished around 11am the next day. Still I didn’t cry. The only time I cried and grieved and admitted to myself how my heart still yearns for you was months after that, inside the restroom cubicle in my previous office. And it felt good and bad at the same time. I knew it somehow helped me lift myself up.
Today marks the day of our breakup. I have no idea when my grieving will end. But I am positive and hopeful that it will be soon. Can’t wait to be where the bluer skies are.
I talked about this to a lot of people because according to the books it will help me grieve. The most relevant advice I got though was this one:
If you have decided to move on, YOU SHOULDN’T LOOK BACK. You have to move forward without looking back, that’s why it’s called “moving on”.
Maybe I am finding it really hard to move on because I kept on looking back. I am that kind of person, I always reminisce about the past.
Someday I’ll find the guts to burn these material things you left here with me. I’m one step nearer as I have already gathered them and placed them in a plastic bag, ready for ignition, or maybe donation to the orphanage. 😀